Moving abroad didn’t fix it.
“Belonging is not a physical place. It is not a static emotional state either, nor a land to reach after being lost at sea. Belonging is allowing yourself to keep true to the person you are and let relationships that aren’t true for you drift away. Belonging is being you as much as you possibly can even when it feels scary. And it is bound to change, forever and ever.”
As cheesy as it sounds, I have always felt like I don’t belong. Very early on in childhood, and as I started going to school, I had this visceral emotional sensation that I didn’t fit in. It wasn’t only a subjective observation. My peers and teachers would often mention that I am too sensitive, quiet, or reserved. Slowly, these comments made me internalize the belief there is something inherently wrong with me. They didn’t say it directly but implied I should change to fit in.
Ever since, I have struggled to resist the urge to fit in and change myself to feel loved or validated. Sacrificing my needs or modifying my personality to be accepted did not contribute to my sense of belonging — it only drew me further away from myself. Nonetheless, my mind kept pushing me to change.
In my hometown, I would bond with the misfits, adopt an alternative persona, or tell self-deprecating jokes to incentivize people to stick around. After coming out, I conformed to the cynicism of certain gay people and the oversexualized nature of dating apps. Later, in university, I hung out with the ‘outsiders’ again, those who didn’t grow up in the privileged city of Tel Aviv. Despite the potential of belonging with my friends in the fringe theater school, exploring my sexual identity in the gay community, and pursuing my creative passion for filmmaking in university — I kept staying on the sidelines. As a result, I concluded that I don’t belong to my home country, and moving abroad might fix it.
🚨 Spoiler alert: it didn’t.